“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline…
“If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it does not matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, and date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You will not be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, please do not press any buttons, you will just mess it up.